When Becoming Trauma Informed Triggers Trauma

This might be one of my most vulnerable posts to date, but I believe this message needs to be shared. Some of you may know that I was working on a trauma informed coaching certification. I wanted to have this in my pocket because even though I might not be working with people who have “obvious” trauma, I may encounter people who have hidden traumas they may not be aware of. As a coach the LAST thing I would ever want to do is cause damage to a client because I wasn’t prepared to help them. Little did I know that the coach I chose to work with to get this certification would do this to me.

I have done a lot of work on myself to address and process things that happened to me as a child. Nothing terrible happened but I developed a trauma response of being hyper independent and feeling like I constantly had to prove myself. Those things have absolutely carried into adulthood and while I was aware of these, I never associated it with trauma. After learning more about the levels of trauma, I understood how these things were a trauma response. Before working with my first coach, I had TERRIBLE self-doubt. I was confident with some things, but I always felt like I had to be the best, be perfect, and be the strong one that everyone can count on. I didn’t fully understand that the strong ones don’t have to be strong all the time. I saw my battles with depression and anxiety as me failing. I saw it as me not being good enough. Between years of therapy and the first coach I ever worked with, I was able to build up my confidence and learn that it is okay to ask for help. I learned that I didn’t have to be strong all the time.

From the end of 2019 to about May 2023, I was in a good place. I made the decision to start a business so that I could use all my experience in the corporate world to help other women learn their worth and learn they can speak up for what they need to be successful in their career. For the past two years, I’ve worked to build my business and better my skills so I can better support my clients. In September of 2022, I started to not feel like myself. I started to feel tired all the time and I had zero motivation to do anything related to my business. I thought the stress of working full time and coaching was bringing back my depression. I learned later on that I was dealing with burnout, specifically delayed burnout from my terribly toxic previous job. I had been GO GO GO the entire time I worked there that when I moved to my new company and things were more manageable, my body started to process the symptoms of burnout. It took me almost 8 months to realize that was what I was going through. That entire time I thought something was wrong with me. I started to question everything I was doing. I knew I needed to do something different to shake things up and better support my clients who may also be experiencing the things I was feeling. This is what led me to wanting to become trauma informed.  

When I first met the coach for the trauma informed certification, I felt really safe with her. I felt like I was in good hands and that she would be a great person to teach me about identifying trauma and how to help clients through anything that may come up for them throughout the coaching process. When the program started, things were great. I was learning about trauma and how I could apply the principals I was learning to clients. Things were going well…or so I thought. I had started to really question everything I was doing and those thoughts that I was failing were coming up on a very regular basis. These thoughts and feelings were always there, but they became so strong that I started to feel paralyzed and I couldn’t move forward with anything in my business. I decided to work with this coach on a business accelerator program she offers in the hopes it would get me back on track. Her approach in that program was NOT what I was expecting. I kept getting told that I needed to have a specific intention with everything I post. She tore apart my Facebook profile and basically said who was I to be using my company name. “Nobody even knows who you are”. I’ll never forget with one post I made in particular, which was intended to get people to think about their scenarios, I distinctly remember getting a text message saying, “what is the purpose of this post?”. That is the catalyst of me withdrawing completely from social media. I thought “clearly nothing I post is good enough, so I won’t post anything at all”.

I started questioning whether I wanted to be in business at all. The voice in my head kept calling me a failure and I kept talking so negatively to myself. I was stuck and couldn’t move forward and everyday I couldn’t move forward I felt more and more like a failure. I didn’t realize until really recently that my old trauma responses had been triggered and I was retreating into my old patterns. I wanted to say something to the coach, but I no longer felt comfortable sharing things with her, especially since she fostered what I consider to be a competitive environment within our group. She would constantly talk about how successful one of the other members were and every time she did that, I felt like I was falling behind and that I was failing. I felt like I could never be like this other woman, so why bother even trying. Let me be clear – I was very happy for this other woman. Logically I understood her situation was different then mine and she was able to have success faster because of that. Unfortunately, my irrational mind was in control and was digging me deeper and deeper into feeling like a failure.

After talking with my therapist, I knew I needed to say something. I knew something was wrong and I felt extremely uncomfortable working with that coach. I felt like she was constantly judging me, and it became clear as we were getting close to finishing the certification program, that she didn’t actually care about what I was going through. I started to feel like I was a burden to her, so I chose to leave the certification program, even though I was almost done. I emailed her and shared everything I had been dealing with. I poured out everything because I felt like I needed to. How did she respond? “Thank you for your feedback Nicole. I’m glad you have a therapist to support you. Would you like access to the digital course once it’s finished? I truly wish you the best on your endeavors.” This solidified that everything I had been thinking about her and her process was right. She didn’t give a fuck about me. She didn’t take any accountability for what she did. She was washing her hands of me and moving on like I never even existed.

Here I am now picking up the pieces. I’m in intense therapy to try and get back to baseline. I’m still paralyzed with everything related to my business, despite having another amazing coach who has been helping me throughout this whole process. I’m so thankful for her kindness as I experience this emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to escape yet. I learned a few valuable lessons here. First, I will NEVER abandon a client the way she abandoned me. If something we are working on triggers something in the client, I will be there completely and help the client process through it however I can or refer to a therapist for deeper support. But I will never leave them to go through things alone. Second, I learned how strong I really am. While I have absolutely slipped back into my pattern of not asking for help, I am aware I am doing that and actively taking steps to break that pattern. Recently I’ve been sharing more about what I went through. Lastly, this whole thing reinforced something I had started to realize back in April. I am meant to run my business MY WAY. I don’t need all this noise telling me my business has to go a certain way. I can do things my way and those who are meant to be in my world will find me. I will continue to work on myself and be vulnerable with my followers, because I want them to see they aren’t alone in how they may be feeling. Just because I’m a coach doesn’t mean I have to be “perfect”. I’m so freaking far from perfect it’s not even funny! And that’s OK! Who wants to hire someone who comes off as perfect? I know I hire people who I can relate to. So I will continue to be relatable. Even though I might be down now, I’m not out. I will never be out because I KNOW I am meant to help women. I know I’ll be back stronger than ever. So, to the coach who will likely never see this since I removed her from all of my socials, thanks for knocking me down and helping me remember my fighting spirit. I will pick up the pieces because that is what I do. Thanks for making me a fighter.